


A Blatant Self Insert

by leeisapotato



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Gen, Gender Neutral Self Insert, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I might go back to this later, No Plot/Plotless, The Hargreeves get called out, no beta we die like ben
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-18
Updated: 2019-08-18
Packaged: 2020-09-06 16:13:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20294323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leeisapotato/pseuds/leeisapotato
Summary: You are Jackie, a gender neutral character with a lot of Feelings about The Umbrella Academy. So, you're transported there through the power of obsession to the kitchen scene where they're all talking about Five's return.I've had this idea for weeks and it wouldn't let me go.





	A Blatant Self Insert

“Oh my fucking- God fuckin- Why!?” The Stranger who appeared in the kitchen exclaimed. In a portal of bright white light, they appeared. They seemed pretty pissed about it. 

“What the hell!” Diego thought they had enough portals for one day. 

“Who-?” Allison decided to gauge the situation. 

Luther straightened up and stared at The Stranger like they were a criminal. 

“Klaus what are you on-” Ben was cut off when The Stranger said, 

“Let me spare you the details. My name is Jackie, and I am cursed to appear in the lives of every goddamn TV show I even remotely get attached to. You should have seen me in Supernatural, that was a fucking train wre-”

“TV show?” Five questioned, his knife stabbing into the peanut butter more than necessary as he continued to make his sandwich as calmly as he could pretend. 

“Yes a TV show. You project your consciousness over every instance in space and time’ and you don’t think there's a universe where your insane lives are a TV show?” Jackie raised a well groomed eyebrow at him in challenge. 

“I guess it’s possible. Multiple universes would explain a lot of my issues” Five said around his sandwich. 

“Right okay. Episode one! We Only See Each Other At Weddings and Funerals- okay, uh-”

“Hold on, hold on, hold on, I still don’t believe the TV show idea,” Diego said reasonably. 

“Well you would if you were smarter,” Five said, unknowingly repeating himself.

Jackie snorted and then intoned “Okay you want proof. On the back of Extra Ordinary, there is a review by Gerard Way. Miss. Hargreeves, who is Gerard Way?” 

Vanya’s eyes widened, “I don’t, I.”

“You don’t know, obviously. That’s because Gerard Way is the man who created the comics this show is based on. You all have seen the book. Can any of you answer my question?” Jackie challenged with a grin reminiscent of Five. 

All they got were blank stares as the siblings combed through their brains. 

“I always thought it was a mistake to use his name. If the author can’t place a reviewer then why have it there at all? Ah well. Anyway, all of the issues in this show are caused by lack of communication, and since all seven main characters are here, I can just tell you the shit you’re supposed to be saying now, but can’t because there wouldn’t be a plot if you did,” Jackie rambled. 

“Hey Five, you should cut out your tracker so commission agents don’t swarm the mansion. Put it near the Meritech Building, it’ll buy some time” Jackie did not want to get interupted.

“There shouldn’t be a tracker; I’m in the wrong body!” Five bitched. 

“You think the commission didn’t think of that? They’re a time organization. A little deaging ain’t gonna stop their tech.”

“Shit!” Five grabbed a kitchen knife and teleported to the infirmary to cut out the tracker and clean it before disposing of it. Jackie figured it would take a while so they turned to the 5 (6, one was invisible) siblings. 

“Okay. The traumatized one is distracted. Like I said, the Apocalypse is caused by no communication, Reginald Hargreeves being an abusive dick, and Vanya’s terrible taste in men, so if y’all could talk about stuff that would be great.”

“Apocalypse, like the one Daddy dearest loved to threaten us with?” Klaus asked. 

“Yeah! Exactly that!” Jackie smiled at Klaus.

“Okay we have to save the world. Vanya, you should go, this is academy business,” Luther said, like a prick. 

"No,no, no this is the root of all this shit! When Five gets back, I'll start the spiel," Jackie had a feeling that this was going to be a long eight days they were gonna be stuck here.

**Author's Note:**

> I'll update Double Vision, I swear. I just had to get this out of my head!


End file.
